I think I am suffering from post marathon depression.
If you are a runner, you know what this is. It happens after every race. A common after effect of running 26.2.
Why?
I think it would be easier if the marathon were not such a task. Anybody that runs them knows that so much of yourself goes into one. Most runners are lucky to do 1 or 2 a year max, so the key is to well... do them well or not do them at all. So you put every ounce of your energy into training and finishing. You take time away from your family and friends, you are tired all the time, you are trying to fit runs into every spare moment of your day. You become a slave to the miles, the training schedule, the speed work, the hills.
You try to watch what you eat, you try to take care of yourself. Your kid begins to think that perhaps you are a ghost. You are away in some far away country and promise to be back for good in 6 months. You are there but you are not.
There is such a build up to this moment, 6 or more months of training that comes alongside pain, agony, sweat and tears. It is expensive. You need sneakers, outfits, GU, coaching and training. It is stressful. Stress in a way that would be like giving birth but instead of hemorrhoids cramps and bad gas, you are riddled with black toenails, hamstring pulls or tendon tears. You do everything in your power to not get injured... black death for any runner training for a race. An injury means you can be sidelined for weeks or months at a time. So you try to do everything right. Whatever your coach (God) says, you do. Do not anger the God, you will hear his wrath and surely pay the price.
You are consumed.
Then the moment arrives. You are prepared, at least you think you are. Are you really? Can you do this? Self doubt vibrates through your body. You have planned this right? If you are a typical runner, you are probably a kind of an OCD type A personality, which means you have picked a special destination race, one that has a high percentage of BQ's (Boston Qualifiers), you have packed enough supplies to last several months if say, you become stranded on an Island. You bring 17 different types of running outfits. Will it be too hot? Warm? Cold? Snow? Rain? You might have a few extra pairs of sneakers. The old tried and true trainers, or maybe you bought a new pair two weeks ago. Are they broken in enough? Too many variables.
You have been on the race's website at least 1700 time already. You have digested all of the information on it so that you are able to regurgitate it by heart if someone asked. You have printed out the course map and meticulously studied every detail of it. You have googled reviews and tips from other runners.
Bring it on you say to yourself.
Then of course, there are your family and friends. They know you run, so they are always asking about "The Race" like it is some trek to a far off land where you will sit with a Buddha and have an Oprah "Aha moment." If your friends and families are runners... little explanation is needed. There is more of a nod, a knowing glance. Yea, of course, new compression socks. Oh that sneaker got best review in Runner's World, yea, they know. You talk about running like you are chatting about the weather. There is always the PR, a BQ. We runner's are obsessed about time, PR's, which race is the best option for a new PR. It is no different than standing at the water cooler chatting with a co-worker about updating the spreadsheet.
If they are non-runners, it is not that simple. To them a 5k is no different than 26.2. Most of the people I know have never run around their block. To them you are either an inspiration or completely nuts. Most of the time, it is the nuts one. You are in essence a nut job. Why do this? Why not go out to the bar on Friday, dinner on Saturday, and a movie on Sunday? Seems like a much better way to spend a weekend? Yes, true, they may have a valid point.
Last week, I was going out to lunch with a few co-workers. Most people know that I am always training and running something. In the warmer months I may do several races a month. I do not typically talk about it unless someone asks. They may say "What did you do this weekend?" and I may say "Oh I had a 21 mile training run." They will look at me and blink a few times and respond with "Oh, that's nice."
Running can definitely be a conversation killer.
On this particular afternoon my coworkers asked what my plans were for the weekend. I said "I am running the Colorado Marathon." They got really quiet and replied with "How long is a marathon?" I said "26.2 miles." Again I was met with a moment of silence and "Oh... how long does that mean you run for?" I said "For me, about 4 and half hours." They stop talking again and then look at me like I have completely lost my mind. They look scared, a bit freaked out. They realize they are in the company of a lunatic. The next response is typically "Why?"
I have been running for about 15 years and change and you know what? I still am not sure I can answer that question with 100% accuracy. For me of course the answer should be easy, I run for myself. Isn't that why we all run? But this might be a bit much to digest, most people do not get that response. It is a crazy, you are weird response to give anybody. So instead I might tell a non-runner friend that "Oh well, for my health" or "I like to eat chocolate and drink beer." It sounds a lot less lofty and elusive if you add beer to the conversation. Yes, beer, of course. Sign me up for a 5k!
But sometimes I am not even sure how to respond. I would be lying if i said, I loved it. Often I do not love running. It is not that I hate it all the time, short runs with my dog or alongside a trail with a friend are often better than a chocolate milkshake in my opinion. But to be honest, I hate training for marathons with a passion. The only thing that makes it remotely bareable is that I get to eat whatever I want and I have a few friends that I have become very close with who I meet every Saturday for those long grueling training runs. In 2 or 3 hours of running we get to catch up with each other's lives, we share funny stories, books that we have read, Facebook secrets, kids happenings, new sneakers, new running outfits and of course bitch sessions that ponder the age old question "Why are we here again?"
So now 2 days post marathon I have to say, I am feeling the let down. The build up, the finish, the "What's it all about Alfie?" moment. I am in the birthing room and the doctors have left. I am sitting in the hospital bed alone, waiting for my new baby to arrive. I am feeling overwhelmed, sad and happy all at once. This marathon, four hours of my life are gone that I will never get back. Was it worth it all? What did I get out of it? Was there anything remarkable about the course? A beautiful epiphany that occurred? For some reason the only memorable thing I can recall about the race is the finish, the last push to the end and the realization that omg, I am done. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now give me my baby and my hospital bill. I want to go home.
Two days later, I am tossing around all of the what if moments. What if I did not stop 7 times for Gatorade, could I have shaved off another minute or two? What if I wore something else, compression socks, different sneakers, could I have gone a bit faster?
I am trying my best to shake this feeling, the sadness, the let down. I keep thinking that I have not quite finished yet, that I missed something critical and there is more to come. I am trying to bask in the glow of my PR. I shaved 17 minutes off my previous race time, so why do I feel like I was hit by a mack truck and want to hide in my bedroom in the dark for the next month?
Maybe it is just me but then I realize as runners' we all do this. We are like junkies after the high has left. Now we are sitting by ourselves in the crack house with the empty pipe. What do we do now? We have reached a critical cross road in our recovery. Do we get more crack or do we try and come down off the drug and hope for no nightmares, sweats and hallucinations.
Tough call.
We tell ourselves, put the pipe down... no more races. Haven't we already proved ourselves? Have we not put our bodies, our families our friends through enough of this madness? We are done but yet we cannot help ourselves. We need that fix again and again and again. So what do we do after the post race blues? We sign up for another race... our coworkers and friends are right. We are certifiable, we need to be examined, we need therapy or rehab.
With shaky hands, sore legs, sweaty palms, I head towards my computer. I google another race. I read reviews, I think about GU, compression socks and fitting in runs during the hot summer months. I have once again gone to the dark side.
I find one... I slowly take out my credit card, hand shaking, I enter the information and press send... ahhhh.... yes, that's right, feels so good...
I smile, bring on number marathon 8.
Thank you sir may I have another.
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