I have been running steady now for about 3 years or so. I had a pretty solid running history prior to that about 10 years before, then i stopped. I had Aaron and then got a pretty bad case of Plantar Faciitis. It was unbelievably painful and my guess caused by the fact that i did not train properly for any of my races.
I got as far as a half marathon on my longest run of about 7 miles. If you know anything about marathon training.... not smart.
So i stopped and gained alot of weight after my son was born. I got depressed after the passing of my father and went down a path that was not the best place for me. So i started back up running again. It was a slow process. I could not believe how out of shape i had become after taking so much time off.
Everything jiggled and i was so out of breath after only running a few feet. It was pathetic to say the least but at least i was doing something.
I always knew i wanted to run a full marathon one day but also knew that doing on my own was not going to happen, so i found a running group. I joined Galloway about 2 years ago. Galloway has a nice mellow program of walking and running combined. The motto for Galloway is "Running Injury Free." It was a good fit for me.
Galloway got me to my first Marathon finish in 2009, which was Philadelphia. What an amazing accomplishment. I ran it side by side with my little sister. We trained virtually and she did all her training essentially on her own, which blew me away. I was proud of us both but mostly proud of myself for actually completing a marathon.
Now i am in Runners Edge of the Rockies. It is alot different than Galloway. I felt like i needed to push myself a bit more and this is a good fit for me now. Runner's Edge has alot more people, pace groups, speed training and more rigorous group runs. So far i love it.
Since 2009, i have completed 3 more marathons and about 15-20 halfs. I am training for the Colorado marathon in May and Colfax. I have to say i am addicted to the finisher medals. I have them hanging up in my office.
I am not a fast runner by any means but for me running has been my salvation. It makes me feel good. I have lost 20 pounds and i don't feel depressed anymore. I have met some very nice people. I tell people that i plan on running until i am 90. I really can see myself shuffling along!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Clearing out my basement
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I know, most people claim this as such when you talk to them. But my family really was dysfunctional. My mother has a personality disorder and my father was an alcoholic. My brother had some of the same personality traits as my mother and to this day i do not have much contact with him. It is sad but he is not a healthy person to be around and expose my son to. I used to feel sorry for him but now i realize that he is pretty manipulative and self centered.
For me, my relationship with my mom was rocky at best. I moved out to Colorado to pretty much get away from a lot of my own family drama. I am not sure if that was the right thing to do but in retrospect it probably was a good thing for me.
Now that my mother is older and i have accepted things about her and also accepted the type of relationships she is capable of, I have to say, we actually have a very good relationship. My mom has a lot of baggage, she has low self esteem and although not diagnosed i believe she has a pretty severe personality disorder. She has the capability of switching off emotionally at the drop of the hat if you "piss" her off. Meaning she will write you off for months or years at a time. Point in case, she stopped talking to her own sister for 20 years.
I think it is sad but she is 80 and she does not get it and i am not wasting my time trying to get her to get it. That is not my job. I can only try my best to relate to her and have some kind of decent conversation with her and let a lot of the things that bug me about her fall to the wayside.
Every conversation is basically about her, so that is how it is. Conversations do not have any emotional content to them. You have to have things that deal with jobs or tasks. These things are concrete and things she relates to and enjoys talking about. She likes to delve in and try to solve things for me or my sister. It is annoying but i let her prattle on with advice because she means well.
Anyway, my point to this blog is that for years before and after I moved out of my parents house i gravitated towards dysfunction like a fly to a pile of dog poop. Every relationship or friendship i had was mired in some kind of drama. It was what i guess i was comfortable with. I was basically a huge doormat that gave but did not get much back. A lot of my friends were kind of abusive but that was what i thought was normal.
It was not until about 6 or so years ago that i really started to "clean out my basement." I like this term which was coined by a good friend that i met about that time. She was normal and gave of herself unconditionally. We are still friends.
As i was complaining about of a long time friend of about 20 years to her, she said "Why do you hang out with her? She is a basement dweller."
I had never thought about it, but she was absolutely right. This was somebody that i met when i first moved out here. She was a single mom, divorcee and an alcoholic. I met her when we were both going to school and we had a lot in common, mostly dysfunctional family crap. She was very needy to say the least and i liked being "needed." So the bond was formed.
I spent a lot of years taking crap from her. She was what you would call an emotional vampire, she took and took and took, dumped and gave very little back in return. When i was able to step outside the relationship and look in I would classify her as a borderline personality type.... my mom personified. It was such an eye opener for me. She played the victim card all the time, poor me and then drank herself into oblivion every weekend. A functional alcoholic.... my dad personified.
At first i felt bad for her and took her side, her ex husband sucked, she never got a break, she had a horrible childhood, nobody wanted to date her because they were all "nuts" nothing about her was wrong. Then little things started to surface each time we hung out. She had no other friends but me and would say things like "None of her friends ever helped her" It made me wonder what she meant by help?
It became clear that she was an endless pit of help, nobody could ever fill up. No matter what i did it was critiqued and never quite good enough. I gave gave gave and got almost nothing back. I began to actually feel bad for her ex husband.
One thing led to another and i finally blew my cork on her. Not the best thing. She gave me a scalding email after i decided not to meet up with her one night. I started to dread doing anything with her because it was so draining for me. She sucked every ounce of positive out of me and then made me feel bad for doing anything well in my life "You get all the breaks" "You have Alan, I have nobody" "You had help" all wrong of course. The only reason i had anything myself when i was able to step back and think about it was because i worked hard for it. I did not believe in the victim mentality.
Well after she sent the email to me i kind of lost it and then sent an even worse one back. I guess if i had been honest with her from the gitgo and actually talked to her about the things that were bothering me, maybe we would have had a more amicable "break up" instead it was kind of ugly.
So from that point on i had nothing to do with her. It was sad in a way because we had been friends for so long. But was it really a friendship that was positive or nurturing? No. It was unhealthy on so many levels. To be honest i felt relieved by the break up. Sad but true. After that point it made me open up to new healthy friendships. Now it is not just her and I and the enemies, it is myself, dinner and good friends.
Over the weekend i pulled up to my favorite spot with my son, Unique Thrift Store. We were on a hunt for some cool puzzles to do together. In front of me i spied a bright yellow jeep. It was her. I pulled into a spot several cars away from her for fear of being spotted. She pulled up to the liquor store and got out. I got out after that. I did not want to make any excuses to talk to her again. I know now i never want to have her in my life. No more basement dwellers.
After i got back home i started to feel sad for her. I felt like, what kind of existence is that? Drink all weekend by yourself in front of the TV. Wow, that is sad. Here i was trying to pack my weekend with as much fun as possible and she was by herself drinking. It was a sad moment for me to think about what kind of life that was. I could not even fathom it at this point. It made me appreciate all i had in my life and even with my own up and downs I was not addicted to alcohol. I could have been. I am so glad i cleaned out my basement.
Life is good for me. I know, that sounds corny but it is so true. I can go down my own little pity path just like the former basement dweller but i don't go there. To go there is so wrong because the things that upset me or make me stressed out are really so minimal when i step back and look at them. I focus on what i have, not what i don't and also focus on what i have left to accomplish in my life, which is alot. I want to travel, i want to get out of debt, i want to keep going in my running and improve and maybe get my PHD one day. Who knows?
For me life holds endless posibilities and is too short to make excuses or play the victim card. What an incredible waste of energy.
The one positive thing i took from seeing her, now i realize how much time i wasted trying to fix a bad relationship. I know now that as I get older how precious life is and that spending time with people that drain you is such a waste. Now I choose who i want to spend time with and it has to be for me. What do i get out of the friendship and does it nurture me? That is so important to me now. I cherish the friendships i have and realize how important those are to me.
For me, my relationship with my mom was rocky at best. I moved out to Colorado to pretty much get away from a lot of my own family drama. I am not sure if that was the right thing to do but in retrospect it probably was a good thing for me.
Now that my mother is older and i have accepted things about her and also accepted the type of relationships she is capable of, I have to say, we actually have a very good relationship. My mom has a lot of baggage, she has low self esteem and although not diagnosed i believe she has a pretty severe personality disorder. She has the capability of switching off emotionally at the drop of the hat if you "piss" her off. Meaning she will write you off for months or years at a time. Point in case, she stopped talking to her own sister for 20 years.
I think it is sad but she is 80 and she does not get it and i am not wasting my time trying to get her to get it. That is not my job. I can only try my best to relate to her and have some kind of decent conversation with her and let a lot of the things that bug me about her fall to the wayside.
Every conversation is basically about her, so that is how it is. Conversations do not have any emotional content to them. You have to have things that deal with jobs or tasks. These things are concrete and things she relates to and enjoys talking about. She likes to delve in and try to solve things for me or my sister. It is annoying but i let her prattle on with advice because she means well.
Anyway, my point to this blog is that for years before and after I moved out of my parents house i gravitated towards dysfunction like a fly to a pile of dog poop. Every relationship or friendship i had was mired in some kind of drama. It was what i guess i was comfortable with. I was basically a huge doormat that gave but did not get much back. A lot of my friends were kind of abusive but that was what i thought was normal.
It was not until about 6 or so years ago that i really started to "clean out my basement." I like this term which was coined by a good friend that i met about that time. She was normal and gave of herself unconditionally. We are still friends.
As i was complaining about of a long time friend of about 20 years to her, she said "Why do you hang out with her? She is a basement dweller."
I had never thought about it, but she was absolutely right. This was somebody that i met when i first moved out here. She was a single mom, divorcee and an alcoholic. I met her when we were both going to school and we had a lot in common, mostly dysfunctional family crap. She was very needy to say the least and i liked being "needed." So the bond was formed.
I spent a lot of years taking crap from her. She was what you would call an emotional vampire, she took and took and took, dumped and gave very little back in return. When i was able to step outside the relationship and look in I would classify her as a borderline personality type.... my mom personified. It was such an eye opener for me. She played the victim card all the time, poor me and then drank herself into oblivion every weekend. A functional alcoholic.... my dad personified.
At first i felt bad for her and took her side, her ex husband sucked, she never got a break, she had a horrible childhood, nobody wanted to date her because they were all "nuts" nothing about her was wrong. Then little things started to surface each time we hung out. She had no other friends but me and would say things like "None of her friends ever helped her" It made me wonder what she meant by help?
It became clear that she was an endless pit of help, nobody could ever fill up. No matter what i did it was critiqued and never quite good enough. I gave gave gave and got almost nothing back. I began to actually feel bad for her ex husband.
One thing led to another and i finally blew my cork on her. Not the best thing. She gave me a scalding email after i decided not to meet up with her one night. I started to dread doing anything with her because it was so draining for me. She sucked every ounce of positive out of me and then made me feel bad for doing anything well in my life "You get all the breaks" "You have Alan, I have nobody" "You had help" all wrong of course. The only reason i had anything myself when i was able to step back and think about it was because i worked hard for it. I did not believe in the victim mentality.
Well after she sent the email to me i kind of lost it and then sent an even worse one back. I guess if i had been honest with her from the gitgo and actually talked to her about the things that were bothering me, maybe we would have had a more amicable "break up" instead it was kind of ugly.
So from that point on i had nothing to do with her. It was sad in a way because we had been friends for so long. But was it really a friendship that was positive or nurturing? No. It was unhealthy on so many levels. To be honest i felt relieved by the break up. Sad but true. After that point it made me open up to new healthy friendships. Now it is not just her and I and the enemies, it is myself, dinner and good friends.
Over the weekend i pulled up to my favorite spot with my son, Unique Thrift Store. We were on a hunt for some cool puzzles to do together. In front of me i spied a bright yellow jeep. It was her. I pulled into a spot several cars away from her for fear of being spotted. She pulled up to the liquor store and got out. I got out after that. I did not want to make any excuses to talk to her again. I know now i never want to have her in my life. No more basement dwellers.
After i got back home i started to feel sad for her. I felt like, what kind of existence is that? Drink all weekend by yourself in front of the TV. Wow, that is sad. Here i was trying to pack my weekend with as much fun as possible and she was by herself drinking. It was a sad moment for me to think about what kind of life that was. I could not even fathom it at this point. It made me appreciate all i had in my life and even with my own up and downs I was not addicted to alcohol. I could have been. I am so glad i cleaned out my basement.
Life is good for me. I know, that sounds corny but it is so true. I can go down my own little pity path just like the former basement dweller but i don't go there. To go there is so wrong because the things that upset me or make me stressed out are really so minimal when i step back and look at them. I focus on what i have, not what i don't and also focus on what i have left to accomplish in my life, which is alot. I want to travel, i want to get out of debt, i want to keep going in my running and improve and maybe get my PHD one day. Who knows?
For me life holds endless posibilities and is too short to make excuses or play the victim card. What an incredible waste of energy.
The one positive thing i took from seeing her, now i realize how much time i wasted trying to fix a bad relationship. I know now that as I get older how precious life is and that spending time with people that drain you is such a waste. Now I choose who i want to spend time with and it has to be for me. What do i get out of the friendship and does it nurture me? That is so important to me now. I cherish the friendships i have and realize how important those are to me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Happiness Project - Part 1
I started reading this book called "The Happiness Project." I am not sure why i have been gravitating towards books about happiness or self worth lately but for some reason i am. I wonder if maybe i am not as happy as i think i am? I am constantly questioning things, my decisions, where we live, why we do things, what i wear, school, my kid, everything. I always wonder if i am making the right choices about my life.
Most days "I feel happy" i guess but then something pops up in my brain and clouds that feeling. Am i too fat? Did i get enough "runs" in this week? (I am training for a marathon and slacking off big time.) Does my makeup look ok? Did my kid brush his teeth or is he spending way too much time in front of a video game (in other words do i suck as a parent).
Maybe i am overthinking everything?
We have family back east, we have lived out in Colorado for 20 years. I know why we moved and it was mostly because we had alot of dysfunction and drama back east. The values are different and it is very stressful and difficult to have any kind of life there.
The grand kids are getting so big and it seems like they barely know us. My mom just had her 80th birthday and each time i visit she seems more and more frail. My son only sees his extended family on holidays and it makes me wonder if that is a good or bad thing? I wonder if we really should move back? It makes me a bit sad and very guilty sometimes for our decision.
But then when i think about moving, living in Long Island, being on a subway or train for 3 hours a day so i can work in New York, struggling to keep up and pay a huge mortgage or rent in a small apartment i get really depressed. I think about the quality of my life here and if i had to rate it i would probably come up at about a 9 out of 10.
The book is interesting. It is making me think about my own happiness and decisions I have made about milestones in my life. I question some of the decisions my husband and I have made but it is what it is and i guess i have to move past that.
After a bad "breakup" with a dear old friend of about 15 years i really started to question my own happiness and what was important in my life. I was very sad about loosing this friend and thought that we had a special bond. Apparently our friendship probably had major cracks in it for several years and i just did not want so see them.
We had been drifting apart in different directions. What she enjoyed and thought was important was different than what i did. At first i guess i tried to bend my ways and adapt, sure i will try this or that but then realized that this or that was just not my thing.
The breakup was probably a good thing in retrospect. It prompted me to question my decisions, friendships and own happiness. I also started to question my own ability to have other friends because honestly i got very codependent on our friendship, this was not healthy. She started to meet other friends, move up in her job, make more money, her family moved into a bigger home, they took expensive trips. I was a stay at home mom shopping in thrift stores. I was also admittedly a bit jealous.
After spending some time mourning the loss of this friend, being angry, sad and rejected, i realized that i needed to make some changes in my life. I thought that maybe competing with her, making more money for example would lead to happiness, well that was clearly not going to cut it. Why was that important? I began to see that indirectly i was competing with her out of my own jealousy. That was really childish and stupid. Why did i care.
I went back to work and began to realize that i am not a corporate monkey person. I realized that if making more money meant overtime, corporate wierdness (and wierdos), combined with no life then i would rather take the later, thank you very much.
So i went back to school. I got my MA last year and even though it was difficult i realized that having that goal and achieving that has made a huge improvement in my happiness and self confidence. I also veered away from working in corporate america. I know now that is not the best fit for me. I am a creative person and i love being around creative people. Now i work in an art school, funky old building surrounded by art and artists. That has made a huge improvement in my life. The money is not fantastic and i had to come to terms with the fact that as long as i work in education i will never be rich. That is ok though.
I branched out and opened myself up to being a better friend and since have met and made friends with some wonderful people that share my same values. I tend to gravitate towards creative people like myself and now i realize that those are the types of people that interest me and make me happy.
I started running again and decided to focus on the ultimate goal of finally finishing a marathon. I talked about doing a marathon for the last 5 years and sadly never got as far as a 7 mile run on my own in my training. So i found a running group and instead of just 3 miles here and there I really started logging in the miles. Now i average about 25 miles a week. The running group opened me to new friends with a common running goal.
When i first started running the goal was to "look good" and now i realize that is a bit shallow. I moved past that after turning 45 and realizing that i need to accept the lumps and bumps in my somewhat giggly body and just focus on how running makes me feel, which is pretty damn good. I know i will never look like Cindy Crawford but i am over that. I focus on the mental aspect of running and my goal of the marathon. Since starting I have completed 4 marathons and about 20 halfs. Those accomplishments make me feel good about myself, even if i am giggly and not the fastest human in each race.
Reading this book has made me think that maybe unhappiness for me stems from guilt? I feel like i have a good life here in Colorado but feel a bit guilty about it sometimes. The main source of my guilt is that i think we may need to move back east one day. I feel like we might be missing out on something, and perhaps we are. But while i focus on the missing out there maybe i am missing the point of living in the moment here? Maybe my focus needs to be on what i am doing now, here to make my life the best it can be? Maybe i need to stop thinking about the what ifs and the who fors and focus on me? It sounds selfish i guess but also i know that when i stop and think about what makes me happy and ultimately a better person, i am a better person to the most important people in my life, my husband and my little boy.
Most days "I feel happy" i guess but then something pops up in my brain and clouds that feeling. Am i too fat? Did i get enough "runs" in this week? (I am training for a marathon and slacking off big time.) Does my makeup look ok? Did my kid brush his teeth or is he spending way too much time in front of a video game (in other words do i suck as a parent).
Maybe i am overthinking everything?
We have family back east, we have lived out in Colorado for 20 years. I know why we moved and it was mostly because we had alot of dysfunction and drama back east. The values are different and it is very stressful and difficult to have any kind of life there.
The grand kids are getting so big and it seems like they barely know us. My mom just had her 80th birthday and each time i visit she seems more and more frail. My son only sees his extended family on holidays and it makes me wonder if that is a good or bad thing? I wonder if we really should move back? It makes me a bit sad and very guilty sometimes for our decision.
But then when i think about moving, living in Long Island, being on a subway or train for 3 hours a day so i can work in New York, struggling to keep up and pay a huge mortgage or rent in a small apartment i get really depressed. I think about the quality of my life here and if i had to rate it i would probably come up at about a 9 out of 10.
The book is interesting. It is making me think about my own happiness and decisions I have made about milestones in my life. I question some of the decisions my husband and I have made but it is what it is and i guess i have to move past that.
After a bad "breakup" with a dear old friend of about 15 years i really started to question my own happiness and what was important in my life. I was very sad about loosing this friend and thought that we had a special bond. Apparently our friendship probably had major cracks in it for several years and i just did not want so see them.
We had been drifting apart in different directions. What she enjoyed and thought was important was different than what i did. At first i guess i tried to bend my ways and adapt, sure i will try this or that but then realized that this or that was just not my thing.
The breakup was probably a good thing in retrospect. It prompted me to question my decisions, friendships and own happiness. I also started to question my own ability to have other friends because honestly i got very codependent on our friendship, this was not healthy. She started to meet other friends, move up in her job, make more money, her family moved into a bigger home, they took expensive trips. I was a stay at home mom shopping in thrift stores. I was also admittedly a bit jealous.
After spending some time mourning the loss of this friend, being angry, sad and rejected, i realized that i needed to make some changes in my life. I thought that maybe competing with her, making more money for example would lead to happiness, well that was clearly not going to cut it. Why was that important? I began to see that indirectly i was competing with her out of my own jealousy. That was really childish and stupid. Why did i care.
I went back to work and began to realize that i am not a corporate monkey person. I realized that if making more money meant overtime, corporate wierdness (and wierdos), combined with no life then i would rather take the later, thank you very much.
So i went back to school. I got my MA last year and even though it was difficult i realized that having that goal and achieving that has made a huge improvement in my happiness and self confidence. I also veered away from working in corporate america. I know now that is not the best fit for me. I am a creative person and i love being around creative people. Now i work in an art school, funky old building surrounded by art and artists. That has made a huge improvement in my life. The money is not fantastic and i had to come to terms with the fact that as long as i work in education i will never be rich. That is ok though.
I branched out and opened myself up to being a better friend and since have met and made friends with some wonderful people that share my same values. I tend to gravitate towards creative people like myself and now i realize that those are the types of people that interest me and make me happy.
I started running again and decided to focus on the ultimate goal of finally finishing a marathon. I talked about doing a marathon for the last 5 years and sadly never got as far as a 7 mile run on my own in my training. So i found a running group and instead of just 3 miles here and there I really started logging in the miles. Now i average about 25 miles a week. The running group opened me to new friends with a common running goal.
When i first started running the goal was to "look good" and now i realize that is a bit shallow. I moved past that after turning 45 and realizing that i need to accept the lumps and bumps in my somewhat giggly body and just focus on how running makes me feel, which is pretty damn good. I know i will never look like Cindy Crawford but i am over that. I focus on the mental aspect of running and my goal of the marathon. Since starting I have completed 4 marathons and about 20 halfs. Those accomplishments make me feel good about myself, even if i am giggly and not the fastest human in each race.
Reading this book has made me think that maybe unhappiness for me stems from guilt? I feel like i have a good life here in Colorado but feel a bit guilty about it sometimes. The main source of my guilt is that i think we may need to move back east one day. I feel like we might be missing out on something, and perhaps we are. But while i focus on the missing out there maybe i am missing the point of living in the moment here? Maybe my focus needs to be on what i am doing now, here to make my life the best it can be? Maybe i need to stop thinking about the what ifs and the who fors and focus on me? It sounds selfish i guess but also i know that when i stop and think about what makes me happy and ultimately a better person, i am a better person to the most important people in my life, my husband and my little boy.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Life Lessons from my Cat
About two years ago when i was picking my son up from daycare one evening, Denise the daycare mom (as i used to call her), asked me if i wanted a cat. I said that i already had a cat, a miserable old biddy of a cat that did not care for other cats within a one mile radius of her domain.
Somewhere between the words "No" and "Already own one grouchy cat" she said to her daughter "Go bring that cat up for Chris." Before i knew it i was holding this runty little gray kitten in my arms. I guess he was the last of a litter that a cat she found wandering the neighborhood and took in had had. All the rest of the kittens got snatched up by her other daycare clients except this scraggly beast.
Well that cat looked at me and i looked at him and before i knew it i was walking out to my car, kid in one hand, kitten in the other.
It was not long before the runty kitten grew up into a huge tom cat with major attitude. My son tried to bond with him but he only bonds with humans i guess on "his terms" which means when he feels like sleeping on your head or licking your nose then you need to deal otherwise you are basically a meal ticket.
My son calls him Igor the Idiot. When he came up with the name i about died laughing. I guess one day Igor tried to bite his feet while he was sleeping and woke him up. My son, 4 at the time, did not find this the least amusing. So when he jumped up screaming from his bed he said "I hate that cat! I am going to call him Igor the Idiot because he is stupid!" and that was that, the name kind of stuck. We don't use the Idiot part anymore but the name Igor pretty much fits him like a glove.
Igor is huge, everywhere he sleeps he pretty much takes over. He spreads out on my bed on his back with his paws in the air. He will sleep pretty much the entire day away and not have a care in the world. He gets along pretty well with the dog and likes to jump on his back and bite his ears. Sometimes the dog plays along and they wrestle on the floor together. When a friend of mine came over and saw them playing like this one evening she was pretty amazed. She thought it was the funniest thing she had ever seen.
Igor likes to what do you call it..troll the hood. He will go out as soon as the sun sets and come home just in time for breakfast. We had him "fixed" and figured that might keep him home nights but no such luck. He walks across the street to the park and disappears after awhile and we are not sure where he goes after that.
We went away for five days and had a friend watching him. She came over every day and one night he slipped out the door between her legs. Of course she was panicked because he never came back home until i did. As he sauntered in through the garage and into the house with me, Igor did not seem too upset about being locked out for 3 days. My guess is he probably has several haunts that he goes to for a free meal ticket, a warm bed and an ear rub or two. He has no loyalty...
I also forget that he is in fact a predator. I have never had a cat that did much as far as catching critters until Igor. I find mice, birds and other beasts scattered in the back yard. One day i saw him batting around something by his food dish in the house. As i got closer it flew past me with him chasing behind it and a whir of feathers fluttering everywhere. Another day he came proudly over to me ready to present me with the biggest blackbird i ever saw. It literally hung out both sides of his mouth. I was mortified! He actually looked like he was pleased with the find and that i should be pleased to have such a magnificent gift from him. I took one look at him and said "Drop it!" thinking for a moment i was telling my dog to let go of a chick leg or get his nose out of the garbage pail. Igor stopped, looked at me and let that bird go.
Despite the fact that he is clearly a bit self-centered and ungrateful, i really do love this big old cat. Since we have had him sadly we had to let our old biddy go. She was 18 and not doing well at all. I miss her but Igor has helped to fill the gap for me. Every night he perches on my chest and purrs in my ear. I rub his head and he purrs some more. Then after about 5 minutes he jumps off my bed to spend a few minutes wrapped around my son's head on his bed, goes downstairs and stretches out on the couch like he owns it. Who am i kidding? He owns everything, including his humans.
So what have i learned since Igor has "owned me?" Well, I guess that you have to learn to let things go right? Chill out. Go with the flow. You also have to learn how to stop and smell the roses. Learn how to kind of live life large right? Go out and have fun once and a while. I am not sure he thinks about much else but food and sleep but maybe he is very complex? Maybe i am not giving him any credit, maybe he is brilliant and just playing dumb? I don't know...
My guess is that on most days he is probably going "is my food bowl full?" "there is a leftover poo in my box are you going to take care of it or should i find a corner in the house to do my business in?" or "are you leaving yet, i need the bed now." Cats are great aren't they? My husband says to me when he sees Igor belly up and paws in the air with what appears to be a smile on his face "I want that cat's life, he has the life of Riley."
Somewhere between the words "No" and "Already own one grouchy cat" she said to her daughter "Go bring that cat up for Chris." Before i knew it i was holding this runty little gray kitten in my arms. I guess he was the last of a litter that a cat she found wandering the neighborhood and took in had had. All the rest of the kittens got snatched up by her other daycare clients except this scraggly beast.
Well that cat looked at me and i looked at him and before i knew it i was walking out to my car, kid in one hand, kitten in the other.
It was not long before the runty kitten grew up into a huge tom cat with major attitude. My son tried to bond with him but he only bonds with humans i guess on "his terms" which means when he feels like sleeping on your head or licking your nose then you need to deal otherwise you are basically a meal ticket.
My son calls him Igor the Idiot. When he came up with the name i about died laughing. I guess one day Igor tried to bite his feet while he was sleeping and woke him up. My son, 4 at the time, did not find this the least amusing. So when he jumped up screaming from his bed he said "I hate that cat! I am going to call him Igor the Idiot because he is stupid!" and that was that, the name kind of stuck. We don't use the Idiot part anymore but the name Igor pretty much fits him like a glove.
Igor is huge, everywhere he sleeps he pretty much takes over. He spreads out on my bed on his back with his paws in the air. He will sleep pretty much the entire day away and not have a care in the world. He gets along pretty well with the dog and likes to jump on his back and bite his ears. Sometimes the dog plays along and they wrestle on the floor together. When a friend of mine came over and saw them playing like this one evening she was pretty amazed. She thought it was the funniest thing she had ever seen.
Igor likes to what do you call it..troll the hood. He will go out as soon as the sun sets and come home just in time for breakfast. We had him "fixed" and figured that might keep him home nights but no such luck. He walks across the street to the park and disappears after awhile and we are not sure where he goes after that.
We went away for five days and had a friend watching him. She came over every day and one night he slipped out the door between her legs. Of course she was panicked because he never came back home until i did. As he sauntered in through the garage and into the house with me, Igor did not seem too upset about being locked out for 3 days. My guess is he probably has several haunts that he goes to for a free meal ticket, a warm bed and an ear rub or two. He has no loyalty...
I also forget that he is in fact a predator. I have never had a cat that did much as far as catching critters until Igor. I find mice, birds and other beasts scattered in the back yard. One day i saw him batting around something by his food dish in the house. As i got closer it flew past me with him chasing behind it and a whir of feathers fluttering everywhere. Another day he came proudly over to me ready to present me with the biggest blackbird i ever saw. It literally hung out both sides of his mouth. I was mortified! He actually looked like he was pleased with the find and that i should be pleased to have such a magnificent gift from him. I took one look at him and said "Drop it!" thinking for a moment i was telling my dog to let go of a chick leg or get his nose out of the garbage pail. Igor stopped, looked at me and let that bird go.
Despite the fact that he is clearly a bit self-centered and ungrateful, i really do love this big old cat. Since we have had him sadly we had to let our old biddy go. She was 18 and not doing well at all. I miss her but Igor has helped to fill the gap for me. Every night he perches on my chest and purrs in my ear. I rub his head and he purrs some more. Then after about 5 minutes he jumps off my bed to spend a few minutes wrapped around my son's head on his bed, goes downstairs and stretches out on the couch like he owns it. Who am i kidding? He owns everything, including his humans.
So what have i learned since Igor has "owned me?" Well, I guess that you have to learn to let things go right? Chill out. Go with the flow. You also have to learn how to stop and smell the roses. Learn how to kind of live life large right? Go out and have fun once and a while. I am not sure he thinks about much else but food and sleep but maybe he is very complex? Maybe i am not giving him any credit, maybe he is brilliant and just playing dumb? I don't know...
My guess is that on most days he is probably going "is my food bowl full?" "there is a leftover poo in my box are you going to take care of it or should i find a corner in the house to do my business in?" or "are you leaving yet, i need the bed now." Cats are great aren't they? My husband says to me when he sees Igor belly up and paws in the air with what appears to be a smile on his face "I want that cat's life, he has the life of Riley."
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Facebook is Lame
As i log onto Facebook for the seventh time today i wonder why i am so obsessed with it. I guess i am still trying to figure it all out. I am not so sure my obsession comes more from morbid facination with the whole aspect of social networking or that i basically have no life. I think it is the latter...I also realize that i need to hook myself into what is current so i don't end up like my mom who thinks the word processor is the equivalent of today's IBook.
My problem is that even after about a year of navigating my way around Facebook, i am still not sure if i buy into it as a way of connecting with people. Sure i have found old friends, school mates and coworkers through Facebook but how much do i really care about what they are doing every second of the day? Do i care that a relative is planning on dying her hair and wants advice from her "peeps" about brunette or blond? Or the former coworker who thinks there is a real life right wing conspiracy going on in his backyard, a coworker who is ranting about the suckiness of his job, or has posted "whateva" on his wall for the last month.
On top of all this, is the realization that they don't really give a rats behind about my day either, They don't want to know what color socks i am wearing, the fact that i am drinking wine or coffee or that i just had a pop tart for breakfast.... ya no. So why do i even post? Maybe it gives me some kind of gratification that i am actually doing something even if it is lame, and by golly everybody should know about it too!
Facebook is pretty self absorbed if you ask me. Am i the only person that thinks its wierd to be able to troll through everybodies wall or picture gallery with wild abandon. I have to admit it is almost like a guilty pleasure. It kind of gives me a bit of a rush, almost like a voyeuristic pervert peeking into somebody else's bedroom. But it is also kind of creepy and a bit sad don't you think? I can see into your life but I never really have to make any kind of connection. I am not so sure if this is such a healthy passtime for any adult. I have to ask myself after several hours of spacing out on strange pictures or reading random posts "do i have a life or not?" I peel myself away from the computer screen and realize that the sun has gone down and i am still in my pajamas.
Then after it's all said and done, i feel a bit sad and loney and not so connected to anybody at all, just the monitor. My theory is facebook disconnects people from each other and reality. It is lame.
While everybody seems to have alot of "friends" nobody cares about anybody but themselves. It is pretty narcisstic, posting about your every bowel movement or change of underwear to the world. Who cares? I could be totally wrong but that is my theory and I am sticking to it.
While i survey other peoples posts i note how many friends they have "accumulated." This becomes a competition in itself. I call it adding potatoes to my sack. My sack currently only has 151 potatoes in it, while my sister has over 200. I need more potatoes! Who cares if i ever speak to one! I still need to have the prescribed amount or fear having a big old L posted on my forehead. Bad enough to not connect to 2 potatoes, you need to have at least 300 so it at least looks like you are a social butterfly while you post about that underwear change to the world.
"Oh poor Brooke, she only has 15 friends, tisk tisk." It really is kind of lame when you think about it. Why can one person have 300 potatoes and another 13?
Facebook is LAME.
My problem is that even after about a year of navigating my way around Facebook, i am still not sure if i buy into it as a way of connecting with people. Sure i have found old friends, school mates and coworkers through Facebook but how much do i really care about what they are doing every second of the day? Do i care that a relative is planning on dying her hair and wants advice from her "peeps" about brunette or blond? Or the former coworker who thinks there is a real life right wing conspiracy going on in his backyard, a coworker who is ranting about the suckiness of his job, or has posted "whateva" on his wall for the last month.
On top of all this, is the realization that they don't really give a rats behind about my day either, They don't want to know what color socks i am wearing, the fact that i am drinking wine or coffee or that i just had a pop tart for breakfast.... ya no. So why do i even post? Maybe it gives me some kind of gratification that i am actually doing something even if it is lame, and by golly everybody should know about it too!
Facebook is pretty self absorbed if you ask me. Am i the only person that thinks its wierd to be able to troll through everybodies wall or picture gallery with wild abandon. I have to admit it is almost like a guilty pleasure. It kind of gives me a bit of a rush, almost like a voyeuristic pervert peeking into somebody else's bedroom. But it is also kind of creepy and a bit sad don't you think? I can see into your life but I never really have to make any kind of connection. I am not so sure if this is such a healthy passtime for any adult. I have to ask myself after several hours of spacing out on strange pictures or reading random posts "do i have a life or not?" I peel myself away from the computer screen and realize that the sun has gone down and i am still in my pajamas.
Then after it's all said and done, i feel a bit sad and loney and not so connected to anybody at all, just the monitor. My theory is facebook disconnects people from each other and reality. It is lame.
While everybody seems to have alot of "friends" nobody cares about anybody but themselves. It is pretty narcisstic, posting about your every bowel movement or change of underwear to the world. Who cares? I could be totally wrong but that is my theory and I am sticking to it.
While i survey other peoples posts i note how many friends they have "accumulated." This becomes a competition in itself. I call it adding potatoes to my sack. My sack currently only has 151 potatoes in it, while my sister has over 200. I need more potatoes! Who cares if i ever speak to one! I still need to have the prescribed amount or fear having a big old L posted on my forehead. Bad enough to not connect to 2 potatoes, you need to have at least 300 so it at least looks like you are a social butterfly while you post about that underwear change to the world.
"Oh poor Brooke, she only has 15 friends, tisk tisk." It really is kind of lame when you think about it. Why can one person have 300 potatoes and another 13?
Facebook is LAME.
Stepmonster?
My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. We have a six year old son together and 3 children from a previous marriage. His kids are all grown, 35, 34 and 29 respectively.
After our most recent family trip back east I came to another realization about my stepdaugher of 20 years. She does not like me very much. My husband thinks i am over reacting, he does not hear the little digs or comments that I hear when i am around her. She pretty much treats me like I do not exist. How do i see this? Well after trolling thru over 100 pictures that she posted on facebook from the vacation, guess what? I was not in one of them. It made me sad and angry all at once. I think to myself, after all i do for her, this is what i get!
So with nobody to really vent to i find a few online blogs and vent my rage out. I basically tell everyone what a horrible person she is, entitled, ungrateful, mean. After i write it all out i do actually feel better but then i also realize that is not where i really want to go. All the responses back are encouraging and venting about thier own horrible situations and stepkids. I notice something profound, nobody says what they did to play a part in thier own relationship issues with thier stepkids.... myself included.
I look back over the years at the relationship with my husband and the kids and realize that while maybe she is not the nicest person somedays, that i am equally responsible for the type of relationship that i have created with her.
For the most part if you would ask her who i am she probably would not even give me the esteemed title of "stepmom" I would be "My dad's wife" which is kind of sad but pretty much what I am. I have not really made much effort to go beyond that title. I guess there were times she could have gone above and beyond as well but such is life. She has alot of stuff going on and on the scheme of things I am not super important to her. I realize this now.
It is not a bad thing i guess, it is what it is. It does make me sad but also i guess when i stopped venting my rage and got into her shoes i could kind of see where she is coming from. We live out of state and are not there all the time, physically or psychologically. We probably could have done a better job of connecting. I could have done a better job of connecting. I guess what i am trying to say, Facebook just isn't enough.
I am not saying that she is perfect either, it never ceases to amaze me what she does or says that does not irritate me to death. The way she thinks about things, the life according to her mentality, the comments, digs, and dismissive way she treats me. But then maybe she does not "get me" either? When i go back to visit i feel very disconnected, almost like you can paint me green and put a set of antennae on my head. Maybe it is just me but i cannot relate.
I stopped posting on the boards and figured starting a blog and trying to make the most of my relationship with her was the best i could do. Letting go of things, moving on, acceptance and making the best of my life is my best plan of attack for now. Maybe i will actually break down and call her once in a while. It could not hurt.
After our most recent family trip back east I came to another realization about my stepdaugher of 20 years. She does not like me very much. My husband thinks i am over reacting, he does not hear the little digs or comments that I hear when i am around her. She pretty much treats me like I do not exist. How do i see this? Well after trolling thru over 100 pictures that she posted on facebook from the vacation, guess what? I was not in one of them. It made me sad and angry all at once. I think to myself, after all i do for her, this is what i get!
So with nobody to really vent to i find a few online blogs and vent my rage out. I basically tell everyone what a horrible person she is, entitled, ungrateful, mean. After i write it all out i do actually feel better but then i also realize that is not where i really want to go. All the responses back are encouraging and venting about thier own horrible situations and stepkids. I notice something profound, nobody says what they did to play a part in thier own relationship issues with thier stepkids.... myself included.
I look back over the years at the relationship with my husband and the kids and realize that while maybe she is not the nicest person somedays, that i am equally responsible for the type of relationship that i have created with her.
For the most part if you would ask her who i am she probably would not even give me the esteemed title of "stepmom" I would be "My dad's wife" which is kind of sad but pretty much what I am. I have not really made much effort to go beyond that title. I guess there were times she could have gone above and beyond as well but such is life. She has alot of stuff going on and on the scheme of things I am not super important to her. I realize this now.
It is not a bad thing i guess, it is what it is. It does make me sad but also i guess when i stopped venting my rage and got into her shoes i could kind of see where she is coming from. We live out of state and are not there all the time, physically or psychologically. We probably could have done a better job of connecting. I could have done a better job of connecting. I guess what i am trying to say, Facebook just isn't enough.
I am not saying that she is perfect either, it never ceases to amaze me what she does or says that does not irritate me to death. The way she thinks about things, the life according to her mentality, the comments, digs, and dismissive way she treats me. But then maybe she does not "get me" either? When i go back to visit i feel very disconnected, almost like you can paint me green and put a set of antennae on my head. Maybe it is just me but i cannot relate.
I stopped posting on the boards and figured starting a blog and trying to make the most of my relationship with her was the best i could do. Letting go of things, moving on, acceptance and making the best of my life is my best plan of attack for now. Maybe i will actually break down and call her once in a while. It could not hurt.
Why I hate New Yorkers
I had a major A-Ha moment on a recent family vacation back east. We moved out to Colorado 20 years ago from New York and last week we took a trip out to Florida to go to my stepsons wedding. All of our NY family were at the wedding and instead of being in West Palm it almost felt like i was back in somebodies apartment in Queens.
He had just moved to West Palm Beach about two years ago to start a new life with an old girlfriend. Well one thing led to another and they ended up getting married. It was a good thing because he really was a bit of a mess when he was living in NY. He cleaned up his act, got a decent job, stopped feeling like the world owed him a living, bought a condo and basically grew up. He is 29.
I have to say i really like my new daughter in law. Even though she is also a New York transplant she is different than most New Yorkers I have come to either love or hate. She does not buy into consumerism and keeping up with the Joneses. It is like a breath of fresh air!
I say this only because i feel like i can, being a native of New York (born and raised in Queens) I have started to realize that the less time i spend around my New York family that the less time i want to be around them all.
Since being out in Colorado my values have changed tremendously. I enjoy being outdoors, i went back to grad school, I have a beautiful 6 year old son and I am not really into the latest gadgets and trends. The opposite of what i feel when i am back east. Most notable about what i call the "east coast" mindset is the complete buy-in to consumerism and the old "keeping up with the Joneses" way of life.
It is bothersome to me how much that mindset seems to take over peoples lives back east. I am not saying that every New Yorker is like that, my sister lives back east and she could care less what the difference between an Ipod and an MP3 player is. To her as long as it plays music that is cool. But for my husband's family, the step kids, grand kids and other relations it is pretty much polar opposite of that. Everything that comes out of their mouth is what brand they are wearing, what they want to buy and what they do not own yet and "need."
To me it is kind of disturbing to live like that. Maybe i am old fashioned but i don't put much importance into what i wear or the latest gadget or widget that i need to get. More important to me is a few hours in the park on a Saturday with my son, a family trip to the mountains or eating lunch in the backyard. I guess for me the best things in life are free.
On top of that most people seem fairly stressed out and unhappy back east. I guess it makes sense if your priorities are keeping up and feeling like you are failing miserably short all the time. Who can keep up? I would be miserable if i had to compete with so and so and that my thrift store clothes were completely inadequate all the time.
When i got back home after being surrounded by "IPod Touches, IPhone, Armani/Polo shirts, Hollister shorts, etc." I discussed this with my husband. He saw the same thing as I did. Being outside looking in is quite the eye-opener. For one thing it made me feel alot better about my simpler lifestyle. It also made me realize what is important to me. If i had a choice to make less money and spend more time with my family, then that is definitely where i want to be. It also made me grateful for the life that I have created for myself here in Colorado.
My husband and I live in a modest house, shop in thrift stores, drive used cars and have been able to weather the bad economy without too much collateral damage. People back east would think i am cheap. I call myself frugal.
He had just moved to West Palm Beach about two years ago to start a new life with an old girlfriend. Well one thing led to another and they ended up getting married. It was a good thing because he really was a bit of a mess when he was living in NY. He cleaned up his act, got a decent job, stopped feeling like the world owed him a living, bought a condo and basically grew up. He is 29.
I have to say i really like my new daughter in law. Even though she is also a New York transplant she is different than most New Yorkers I have come to either love or hate. She does not buy into consumerism and keeping up with the Joneses. It is like a breath of fresh air!
I say this only because i feel like i can, being a native of New York (born and raised in Queens) I have started to realize that the less time i spend around my New York family that the less time i want to be around them all.
Since being out in Colorado my values have changed tremendously. I enjoy being outdoors, i went back to grad school, I have a beautiful 6 year old son and I am not really into the latest gadgets and trends. The opposite of what i feel when i am back east. Most notable about what i call the "east coast" mindset is the complete buy-in to consumerism and the old "keeping up with the Joneses" way of life.
It is bothersome to me how much that mindset seems to take over peoples lives back east. I am not saying that every New Yorker is like that, my sister lives back east and she could care less what the difference between an Ipod and an MP3 player is. To her as long as it plays music that is cool. But for my husband's family, the step kids, grand kids and other relations it is pretty much polar opposite of that. Everything that comes out of their mouth is what brand they are wearing, what they want to buy and what they do not own yet and "need."
To me it is kind of disturbing to live like that. Maybe i am old fashioned but i don't put much importance into what i wear or the latest gadget or widget that i need to get. More important to me is a few hours in the park on a Saturday with my son, a family trip to the mountains or eating lunch in the backyard. I guess for me the best things in life are free.
On top of that most people seem fairly stressed out and unhappy back east. I guess it makes sense if your priorities are keeping up and feeling like you are failing miserably short all the time. Who can keep up? I would be miserable if i had to compete with so and so and that my thrift store clothes were completely inadequate all the time.
When i got back home after being surrounded by "IPod Touches, IPhone, Armani/Polo shirts, Hollister shorts, etc." I discussed this with my husband. He saw the same thing as I did. Being outside looking in is quite the eye-opener. For one thing it made me feel alot better about my simpler lifestyle. It also made me realize what is important to me. If i had a choice to make less money and spend more time with my family, then that is definitely where i want to be. It also made me grateful for the life that I have created for myself here in Colorado.
My husband and I live in a modest house, shop in thrift stores, drive used cars and have been able to weather the bad economy without too much collateral damage. People back east would think i am cheap. I call myself frugal.
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