I started reading this book called "The Happiness Project." I am not sure why i have been gravitating towards books about happiness or self worth lately but for some reason i am. I wonder if maybe i am not as happy as i think i am? I am constantly questioning things, my decisions, where we live, why we do things, what i wear, school, my kid, everything. I always wonder if i am making the right choices about my life.
Most days "I feel happy" i guess but then something pops up in my brain and clouds that feeling. Am i too fat? Did i get enough "runs" in this week? (I am training for a marathon and slacking off big time.) Does my makeup look ok? Did my kid brush his teeth or is he spending way too much time in front of a video game (in other words do i suck as a parent).
Maybe i am overthinking everything?
We have family back east, we have lived out in Colorado for 20 years. I know why we moved and it was mostly because we had alot of dysfunction and drama back east. The values are different and it is very stressful and difficult to have any kind of life there.
The grand kids are getting so big and it seems like they barely know us. My mom just had her 80th birthday and each time i visit she seems more and more frail. My son only sees his extended family on holidays and it makes me wonder if that is a good or bad thing? I wonder if we really should move back? It makes me a bit sad and very guilty sometimes for our decision.
But then when i think about moving, living in Long Island, being on a subway or train for 3 hours a day so i can work in New York, struggling to keep up and pay a huge mortgage or rent in a small apartment i get really depressed. I think about the quality of my life here and if i had to rate it i would probably come up at about a 9 out of 10.
The book is interesting. It is making me think about my own happiness and decisions I have made about milestones in my life. I question some of the decisions my husband and I have made but it is what it is and i guess i have to move past that.
After a bad "breakup" with a dear old friend of about 15 years i really started to question my own happiness and what was important in my life. I was very sad about loosing this friend and thought that we had a special bond. Apparently our friendship probably had major cracks in it for several years and i just did not want so see them.
We had been drifting apart in different directions. What she enjoyed and thought was important was different than what i did. At first i guess i tried to bend my ways and adapt, sure i will try this or that but then realized that this or that was just not my thing.
The breakup was probably a good thing in retrospect. It prompted me to question my decisions, friendships and own happiness. I also started to question my own ability to have other friends because honestly i got very codependent on our friendship, this was not healthy. She started to meet other friends, move up in her job, make more money, her family moved into a bigger home, they took expensive trips. I was a stay at home mom shopping in thrift stores. I was also admittedly a bit jealous.
After spending some time mourning the loss of this friend, being angry, sad and rejected, i realized that i needed to make some changes in my life. I thought that maybe competing with her, making more money for example would lead to happiness, well that was clearly not going to cut it. Why was that important? I began to see that indirectly i was competing with her out of my own jealousy. That was really childish and stupid. Why did i care.
I went back to work and began to realize that i am not a corporate monkey person. I realized that if making more money meant overtime, corporate wierdness (and wierdos), combined with no life then i would rather take the later, thank you very much.
So i went back to school. I got my MA last year and even though it was difficult i realized that having that goal and achieving that has made a huge improvement in my happiness and self confidence. I also veered away from working in corporate america. I know now that is not the best fit for me. I am a creative person and i love being around creative people. Now i work in an art school, funky old building surrounded by art and artists. That has made a huge improvement in my life. The money is not fantastic and i had to come to terms with the fact that as long as i work in education i will never be rich. That is ok though.
I branched out and opened myself up to being a better friend and since have met and made friends with some wonderful people that share my same values. I tend to gravitate towards creative people like myself and now i realize that those are the types of people that interest me and make me happy.
I started running again and decided to focus on the ultimate goal of finally finishing a marathon. I talked about doing a marathon for the last 5 years and sadly never got as far as a 7 mile run on my own in my training. So i found a running group and instead of just 3 miles here and there I really started logging in the miles. Now i average about 25 miles a week. The running group opened me to new friends with a common running goal.
When i first started running the goal was to "look good" and now i realize that is a bit shallow. I moved past that after turning 45 and realizing that i need to accept the lumps and bumps in my somewhat giggly body and just focus on how running makes me feel, which is pretty damn good. I know i will never look like Cindy Crawford but i am over that. I focus on the mental aspect of running and my goal of the marathon. Since starting I have completed 4 marathons and about 20 halfs. Those accomplishments make me feel good about myself, even if i am giggly and not the fastest human in each race.
Reading this book has made me think that maybe unhappiness for me stems from guilt? I feel like i have a good life here in Colorado but feel a bit guilty about it sometimes. The main source of my guilt is that i think we may need to move back east one day. I feel like we might be missing out on something, and perhaps we are. But while i focus on the missing out there maybe i am missing the point of living in the moment here? Maybe my focus needs to be on what i am doing now, here to make my life the best it can be? Maybe i need to stop thinking about the what ifs and the who fors and focus on me? It sounds selfish i guess but also i know that when i stop and think about what makes me happy and ultimately a better person, i am a better person to the most important people in my life, my husband and my little boy.
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