Yesterday was mother's day. It was a gorgeous sunny day and it felt just like any other day for that matter. Nothing out of the ordinary.
I have been a mom for over 20 years, a stepmom first and then having my own son in 2004. So I am not sure how to clarify this? A stepmom and then a real mom? It seems kind of strange to put it that way but for me it has actually felt this way.
I met my husband when I was 25 and he was 36. He had 3 children from a previous marriage and when I met him they were 13, 12 and 9 respectfully. They did not really like me very much and treated me like I was a visitor in their home. At first I was "My dad's girlfriend" and when we married "My dad's wife." I was never referred to as a step mom.
I never really knew what it meant to be a step mom and to be honest, I did not put much effort into the task either. I tried, don't get me wrong, but I was always met with either resistance or anger. I spent a lot of time trying to get my husband's children to even remotely like me. The only convert I had was the youngest, who spent the majority of his growing up living with us. The two older kids spent 2 years with us and decided to move back with their mom. It was not like we wanted them to leave but they really did not want to stay. Why force them?
In their defense, they did not have a very stable or positive upbringing. My husband and his ex would not qualify for parents of the year awards. Both being very permissive, immature, young and self centered parents. They did what they wanted and expected the kids to adapt. I was very young and immature when I met my husband and did not think the repruccusions of what it meant to be a step mom was when I met him. And to this day, when people ask me if i would do it all over again, marry a man with 3 kids, I would respond with a difinative, no, never.
It was a lot of pain to try to figure out his kids. They were, to make a long story short, horrible monsters. Devoid of any kind of self discipline or manners. They were self centered, mouthy and mean at times. I know that part of it was the age, wow 13 is not the best age to step into the role of "step monster" but I still expected, well, a bit of compassion and niceness once in a while. After all, I was not a horrible person.
While my husband and I were together for 15 years, I often asked him "what do you get out of this?" I could not understand why anybody would want to have kids. As they got older I became the enemy. I would put my foot down. They manipulated him with guilt and it almost always worked. What he thought was help, was nothing more than enabling. It took a long time for him to realize that he was not helping them. Often arguments were had over money, why it went there and what it was for. What started out as money for a car ended up on the purchase for a dog. Money that was meant for groceries was used on a family trip to an amusement park.
When I said, "no" I was the bad guy. And why not? They thought this behavior was normal. This had worked for 15 years and now it was not working.
When I finally decided to have my own child in 2004, I realized that a part of me had to disengage from my husbands older children. Now in their late 20's and early 30's they were too old to be perpetually bailed out of poor decisions. It was impacting my little boy who was too young to realize what was going on. A check for 1000 dollars to pay for a bailout that did nothing to bail out was money that could be used on my own child.
And so the division began.
We put our foot down, things began to change. The resentment grew but my expectations of them did not. As a matter of fact my expectation for all of these step kids was non-existent. I disengaged. I started to distance myself and work on my own life. I went back to school for my master's degree, I started to run marathons, I took care of myself and my immediate family, my husband and my son.
For the last 8 years, life has been good. No longer does my husband get sucked into the drama. When something happens back east, my husband is there to lend a sympathetic ear but that is about it. It took him awhile but he finally began to realize that he could not fix them or their problems and enabling bad behavior only made things worse.
My step daughter, who has spent the majority of her life as a stay at home mom cannot relate to me. Our lives are polar opposites, with the only comonality being that we are now both parents. She has never really worked or did much with herself outside of having children. Now that her kids are older and she has the opportunity to change the dynamic in her life i believe she is scared out of her mind. They never have money but because others have always bailed them out of situations, it did not really seem to matter much. Why work, when others can do it for you?
Either way, on mothers day, I expect nothing from her, nor i believe does she from me. When I got home from camping with my son, I was surprised to see a text message on my phone from her that said "Happy Mothers Day!" Wow... I know it sounds lame but it is a start I guess. Maybe things are changing a bit? I know we will never be close but maybe there is something there just the same?
Who knows? Either way, I did not get a card, flowers, or anything out of the ordinary for Mother's day. What i did get is a homemade gift from my son, and a nice juicy burger cooked with love from my husband, and of course a text message from my step daughter.
Overall It was a good day, I will take it.
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