Turning 50

Today I turned 50. I am now officially a half a century old.

I woke up, had coffee, checked email and then realized it was my birthday, so uneventful. But then after a few minutes it started to sink in... 50. I am no longer in my 40's, for some, I am even considered old, middle aged.

I am not sure why I thought that turning 50 would be kind of traumatic. It really was not so bad, as a matter of fact, after I finished my coffee I realized how good I am with turning 50. I am good with my age, I am good with myself. I am in a good place.

As this milestone was creeping up on me over the last year or so, many things started to change in my life. Most notably, I stopped caring what people thought about me. One day, I woke up and realized that nobodies opinion mattered anymore. It was liberating. I started to focus on acceptance of myself as well. Acceptance of my flaws, my weaknesses, my mistakes. All of these things made up and continue to make up who I am as a person and that person is perfectly acceptable, beautiful and fabulous.

It is weird how this kind of happens to you as you get older. You ever notice those old crazy people that just kind of blurt out whatever they want? Now I get it.  It is not that they don't realize it, they just don't care. I am turning into one of those old people and you know what? I don't care either. I have decided to embrace my age for the first time in my life. I look back and I have no regrets, I look forward and I see nothing but more possibilities.

Now let's talk about running.

Running at 50. Does it feel any different? I don't think so, not yet. I have never been fast, but now I am heading into a brand new age group. This is very exciting to me and holds endless possibilities. I am not a super fast athlete by any stretch of the imagination but compared to my peers, women my age, I am a rock star.

At 50, the competition thins, the field is smaller, less crazy old women like me. In one way, I can look at this as easier to place in my age group, but another way to look at it as there are less people and far less women out there who are... like me. I am beginning to become an anomaly. A weirdo for some, a hero for others. Either description, suits me just fine.

Some women my age ask me, why do you do it? Other women smile and are amazed that I can do it. When I finished the Leadville Heavy half, and talked about it with my friends, most of them shook their heads and said "Crazy girl."

It doesn't feel crazy to me, as a matter of fact I feel like I am doing exactly what I should be doing. Running up a mountainous trail seems normal. It is exhilarating and makes me think, "Why did it take so long to do one of these races?"

I guess the reason was because I was always worried I would fail, I would not finish, I would somehow disappoint myself or others. Now that thought never crosses my mind. I know that I will always finish a race no matter what, even if that means coming in dead last. Dead last is still finishing something only a very small percentage of women can do and that feels amazing to me.

I finally signed up for speed training this year with my running group. For the last several years, I avoided signing up like the plague, so concerned about what people thought. I kept thinking, why? Why should a crazy older woman care about being fast? Will I be the only one there that is my age and will people think I am weird? Then of course the "Who gives a crap" part of my brain finally kicked in. I realized, it does not matter anymore. What matters is that I am doing something that I enjoy, that challenges me, that makes me a better runner, only for me and nobody else. Other opinions mean nothing anymore.

When I got there, low and behold, there were other crazy older women just like me! One, who was 61 and a Boston Qualifier. She ran slow, in the back, but did not care. I loved that there were others like me, others that were doing something for themselves too. Why focus on age? Why think that just because you are getting older that you should fade slowly away and forget about your goals and your dreams?

I look at myself in the mirror, I am slightly overweight, my belly hangs over my running shorts, things sag, things don't quite look as put together as they did when I was 25. I have varicose veins, I have cellulite. It is easy to compare, easy to look at myself and somehow expect that I should look different. I should look like I did when I was younger. My expectations are sometimes not realistic. Instead, I need to focus on appreciating my body for what it can still do, what I can accomplish, how strong I am. I am still running, I am still exploring, I am still challenging myself.

50? Bring it on! Who knows what I can still accomplish, the possibilities are endless. Maybe an ultra distance is in my future?