Facebook has become my obsession of late, i tell people that i "am hardly ever on it", which is a boldfaced lie. I find myself randomly checking my Facebook account at least a dozen times a day. I realize that i can probably categorize myself as "the lurker" i basically troll around the site and look at everybody else's posts but rarely put anything up that is even remotely interesting, important, or even entertaining (well maybe the later if you count the funny cat pictures i found on the George Taki fanpage). Anyway, what is the point? I realize there is no point. Nobody really has anything important to say at all. And the minute you post something you think is news others have already jumped on that bandwagon. Point in case, Whitney Houston. Really? I thought i was the first one telling the world about her demise! I realized that i was one of millions that felt the need to post it on Facebook. Not that i am minimizing it at all. I did in fact really feel so horrible about her death, but i also felt like reading about it a gazillion times on Facebook somehow made it so much less profound.
I guess i am still trying to figure out the point to this whole social networking thing. Does it connect or disconnect people from each other? Do people really want to know what you are doing or do they just want you to know what THEY are doing? I tend to think the latter is true.
I often ask myself, does everyone aside from myself really have this great of a life? I know this is not the case, nobody is always "smiley and happy" and that there is a certain percentage of people that even brag about what they have accomplished. I know this, because just in my friend list i have Ultramarathon runners, PHD's and the wealthy that think nothing of posting endless pictures of vacations, second homes, and expensive cars. Not to mention, all of the wonderful accomplishments of their children. Depressing... sometimes, yes.
I thought connecting with high school friends (and not so friends) would be enlightening. I thought, wow, now is the time that maybe those cheerleaders and cliquey horrible popular people would actually want to know what i was doing with my life! Ya, not so much... As a matter of fact, as i add them all to my friend list like potatoes in the sack, i came to the sad realization that i will probably never even take 5 minutes of my day to chat virtually with any of them. I do lurk around their pages like a voyeur trying to see if they really are the perfect people they were in high school. I troll through all of their pictures gazing at the smiling faces and trips to Europe, cruises and beach perfect bodies. Some of my high school enemies look as perfect as they did in high school, aging has apparently stopped counting for them. They look amazing.
They have also done well over the years, or so their pictures portray that they have. They have great jobs, handsome husbands and beautiful children. Some even have grandchildren (this is really sad to me). Either way, it makes me feel like i have somehow failed in "most likely to succeed" category. Outwardly you would not think this, i have accomplished a lot in my life (at least i think i have) but sometimes when i look at others, well, i feel like i have somehow fallen miserably short.
I realize i am being overly dramatic. If you knew me in high school you would have probably thought i would have ended up as a professional waitress at Denny's or an inventory clerk for a nut bolt and screw factory (actually had a summer job doing that). Lets just say i was not all that. I was very shy, had very few friends and was a major under achiever. I had no self confidence. The only thing that gave me any sense of self worth was being on the swim team (that was where all the chicks that did not make it into the popular sports ended up). It was there that i found my passion, even though i was not fast, it was something that made me feel like i could accomplish anything. It was where i felt like i fit in. The rest of high school pretty much sucked.
To be honest, i spent several years floundering around after i graduated. I had no idea what i wanted to do when i grew up so i tried everything. I spent years in and out of different colleges, tried the military, moved out on my own (with or without different boyfriends), and pretty much took up space on the universe as a professional college student. I waited tables for years and took classes here and there so i could say i was "working on my BA." It was a sham.... it actually (and i am kind of ashamed to admit this), took about 10 years to finally get my BA.
I met my current husband, moved out of NY to Colorado in 1990. We pretty much had nothing (unless you count the 2 quarters we were able to scrape together). We drove cross country in a 1963 Chevy Impala that was falling apart. It broke down in every state and i remember having to shove towels in the rusted out hole that was in the passenger side floor. We had some houseplants, an old crotchety cat and my step son (who was only 9 at the time), squeezed into the back seat. I was 25 and my husband was 36. We had no clue what we were doing and all i know is that he had a job in Colorado and i had no life in NY. It was a match made in heaven!
It was rough, we barely knew each other when we decided to hook up and move out west. We thought we had it made! We had hardly any money but we figured out how to make it work. If you asked me now, "would you have done it again" i am not sure that answer would have been a yes. But now as i look back, i realize it helped shape me into the person i am today and i have a beautiful son to show for our life together. I would not trade that for the world.
If i had to put everything in perspective, life did not really begin for me until i was in my late 30's, early 40's. I tell people that the best years of my life have been the last 10 or so. In a way, that is a sad testimonial but it also makes me happy that i finally figured out who i am, what i want, and what is important to me. If i had to rate my life right now, i would have to put it somewhere around an 8 or so, seriously, It feels right to me. I am finally really happy.
I had my son at 40. I completed over 20 half marathons and 6 full marathons from age 42 on. I finally got my Master's degree at 45, and i have a great job at 47. So maybe i am not a grandmother, or have a summer house in Maine, but i do actually have a really great life. It just took me longer than most to get there and of course to realize it. To realize that money was not what would ultimately make me happy, it was the accomplishments that did it for me.
I also realize now, that what is important to me, more than anything else, is to keep on accomplishing great things for myself... and nobody else. I intend to run until i am 80, one day maybe an ultradistance. So what if i am 80 when that happens? Who cares? I just do not feel the need to post it on Facebook for the world to see. These are my accomplishments now, and nobody else's.
I try not to compete, i put up my own smiley faced photos, trips to Colorado Springs and pikes peak (OK not a cruise, i live in Denver which is about an hour from each of those places). I put up pictures of my son and I skiing, those are pretty cool. Not too many of the smiley faces do that back east where i moved from.
Ok, so the reality of the situation, i am not rich, and to put up phoney pictures trying to emulate that on Facebook, would be a lie. My husband and I do not take fancy trips, we do not drive a Hummer, and we do not own a vacation home in the Poconos. All of my clothes come from the thrift store and after we pay all the bills at the end of the month, there is a little bit left for movies and a dinner out here and there. If you ask me "does that bother you?" i say, no... I have a very comfortable life, i am able to provide for my son, my husband and have a bit extra for a few fun things at the end of the month.
To be honest, and as much as i fantasize about hitting the lottery, or getting promoted to CEO, i will never be rich. We will never be rich. That is just the way it is.
I know, I know, think big, dream big, right? Yea, I get all of that, but i am also a realist. A close friend of mine says, you are so underpaid. You have a Masters degree, you should be making way more money! And i realize, she is right, but the thought of working in a place that fosters weirdness (think typical corporate america) is about as appealing to me as sticking a hot needle in my eye. To work at something that makes me stressed out and miserable at the end of the day... no way. To have to work overtime in order to sacrifice time away from my son, never going to happen. With age, my priorities have changed. I enjoy working in education, i love the people i work with and my job enables me to have a life at the end of the day. This makes me happy, not rich, but happy.
I have actually thought about disabling my Facebook account several times. Why do i need to try and compete? I feel like i am keeping up with the Joneses! It is actually quite silly if you think about it. As much as i do not want to admit, it is hard not to lurk and compare my life to others. Do they really have it all and my life is a sham? It is hard to ever know what is real and what is not on Facebook. I try to take it all with a grain of salt. I am sure they have all had their trials and tribulations as i have had, maybe they are just ashamed to admit it. Everybody wants to paint a pretty picture, don't they?
I think that i could spend more time doing something a lot more productive than trolling around Facebook, not sure what that is yet but i am sure i will think of something. Then again i cannot control myself... back at it, lurking, lurking... the voyeur with nothing else to do.
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