The other day my sister called me very distraught. She told me a close friend of hers was dying of cancer. Apparently it was diagnosed in a very late stage and after a brave battle she was nearing the end of her fight. Here was a woman in her early 40's, vibrant, beautiful, with young children, who took amazing care of herself. She was a fitness instructor in the best shape of her life. I had to stop and ask myself, why?
She talked to me for about 15 minutes and i started to zone her out. To be honest i did not want to talk about cancer. I hate cancer. I am over cancer. I tried to be supportive and understanding. I have been there with this horrible disease, but for some reason i did not have the stomach or will power to talk about it with her. I felt horrible for basically telling her to "stop, i cannot talk about this anymore." She got quiet and said "ohhh... i did not mean to depress you, i am so sorry." Then she hung up.
I just could not do it. So many friends and family over the last few years have lost their battle to cancer. Sister in law, coworkers, friends, family. I hate it. I want to wish it away. I want to think that it is just a dream and that it does not exist and never existed.
I can't do that.
As human beings, we think we have ultimate control over everything in our lives. Since the time of the cave man, we have been trying to somehow control our environment. Throughout the decades we have built cities, gadgets, skyscrapers, roads and amazing landscapes that make a mark on the world and control the way we move throughout it. We think that somehow with all of our knowledge about how to answer every question put out there that somehow we have this disease beat. We do not, we cannot even begin to control how it happens, who gets it and why.
Oh sure, we have some clues. We have finally figured out that things such as; health, diet and environment play some part but there are still so many questions that remain unanswered. We figure if we can control everything else, somehow we can control whether or not we get this disease.
We start to eat right, exercise, take care of ourselves, go vegan, see a doctor all the time. Now it is all good, It cannot possibly enter our lives because we have ultimate control over it.
How wrong we are.
To the people that have gotten this disease, could they have done some things differently? Quit smoking? Eat better? Take care of themselves? Yes, yes and yes. And when we stop and think about all of those things sometimes we lay judgement on a person with this disease. I have had friends say "Well they smoked, they did it to themselves." Yes, to a point that might be correct but sometimes it really does not make any difference. Cancer does not seem to care what you do, what you look like, how popular you are, and if you are a wonderful person. If it wants you, It finds you, and takes you. Cancer, unlike us, has no judgement and no control issues. It is the one in control, not you.
I finally get this, It took years, but i do. I hate cancer but i have come to terms with it. In some ways i have come to accept it as a part of life. It comes and goes out of my life and i cross my fingers and hope that it's next victim is able to survive it. Sometimes this works, most of the time, it does not. I understand that i have no control over this and no matter what i do, it can happen to me.
So instead of questioning it and the person it picks, i am compassionate and understanding. I understand that if it has not come into your life, eventually it will. All you can do is cross your fingers and fight the good fight.
We are all in this together.
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